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I am going to hate my life tomorrow. I have to be up in less than two hours and I’m wide awake. I feel like a crack head. Lol I’m feeling much, much better than yesterday though. I cleaned out my closet, got rid of the fake ass people and am making an effort to become closer to my true friends. :D life is looking up. And more than anything I’m happy to be myself. Laying in bed listening to country music. And god have I missed it. Other than work I’ve barely gotten to listen to it for 2 and half years. Never again will I let some one change me.
Today I got called conceded, and stuck up. Normally stuff like that would linger in my head and eat me up inside. I don’t see what’s wrong with finally loving myself and accepting who I am. I always was under the impression that that was a GOOD thing. I let people tear me down and make me hate myself. Not anymore. I can finally look in the mirror and think” hey you. Yeah you. Smile. you’re beautiful.” I also got told that I act like I can do no wrong. And because of that I’m going to list my faults. I don’t really agree with what was said. I’ve always been like yeah this is what I suck at, these are my downfalls. But whatever. Here goes nothing…
Jealousy- I have a problem looking at other girls and going oh I wish I was that size, or that beautiful. But when I look back and think what types of girls I admire. It’s all fake. Fake hair, fake nails, spray on tan, fake boobs. I’m curvy. And not the girls who try to call fat rolls curves either. But I’ve got giant tits, and a nice sized ass. I’m going to learn to love them and like who I am.
Judgmental- I judge people alot more than I should. I hate it when people judge me, so I shouldn’t judge others. I keep it all in my head of course, but all the same I don’t know their story.
Smoking- icky habit I would love to break. Working on it though!
Alcohol- vodka you are my buddy. And I haven’t had you in like a month now or probably even longer than that. I miss you at times. But there’s a time and place. Come hang out every now and then okay?
Anti social- I don’t like people very much. I realize that more and more each day. If I have a guy in my life I love to spend most of my time with him, or even of course my family. But when it comes to hanging out with “friends” I’m awful at it and I tend to make excuses and back out. Wish I knew why. Someone told me I was borderline autistic once. It made me giggle. But maybe it’s true.

God I’m so happy and hyper and it sucks. And I’m hungry. I keep starving myself :/ I have issues with anorexia. I just don’t want to tell anybody. It’s not like you can tell. I’m still my chunky self. Even though everyone says “your not that big” I feel like a hippo at times.
So Prince Charming is absolutely amazing. I haven’t even met him yet but he makes me feel so special. Like really I’ve never felt this good about myself. I’m just afraid ill be to fat or my stretch marks will chase him away. I thought that in the past and I was wrong. Fingers crossed though. I hope it becomes something, and I wouldn’t complain if that something maybe lasted forever. ;) omg I’m getting tired. Wondering if I should sleep for an hour or stay awake. I don’t want to not get up. And I just realized that I’m basically talking to myself. But writing (okay typing) makes me feel alot better about myself. I’m sure I will find this years from now and make fun of myself. I also just realized how short my attention span is. I guess it’s time to quit talking to myself and try and sleeping. And I just realize how many times I used the word myself. Maybe I am conceded :P

Today is the day I turn my life around. I’m letting go, moving on, and letting nothing hold me back. My life isn’t perfect and I don’t want it to be. I want nothing more than to be happy with my life just the way it is. Like my tattoo says “imperfection is beauty”. It’s time I apply that to my life. To whom it concerns:

Ex: I fell for you. We were young I was innocent and gullible. I wore my heart on my sleeve and gave you my all. For 2 and a half year I made you my priority. Sacrificed everything for you. All i got in return was pain. You hurt me physically and emotionally. Even after it all I want to thank you. Thank you for my daughter. She is so smart, so beautiful. And she is my world. It is her smile that gets me through the tough times. I am so lucky to have her. And also thank you for making me the strong woman I am today. I will never make the mistake of you again.

Shon: I truly thought you were my friend. There were times where I confided in you. Trusted you with things very close to my heart. And you betrayed me. The worst part of it all is you couldn’t even stand to look at me and tell me the truth. I’m happy to get rid of you, because you aren’t worth my time.

Daddy: you are my miracle. I never thought I’d get to know you, or that you’d be the amazing person you are. You’ve become my best friend and my hero. We’ve had our ups and downs but you’ve been there for me through it all. I can’t give you back the 16 years we lost but I can do my best to make the preset and future everything you’ve ever hoped for. I wish it could have been you teaching me how to ride a bike, taking me camping, escorting me to my first date, but I can’t change that. I want nothing more than to make you proud. I love you and always have, always will.

Mom(Debbie): I feel closer to you than I am my real mom. You’ve been there for me more in these two years than she has my whole life. I can come talk to you about guys, my period, just the girl stuff. The things I never could talk to my mom about. Thank you for treating me like your own. I love you.

My nightmare : I will never, ever forget what you did to me. It haunts me every day. Makes me feel absolutely gross and ashamed to be me at times. You scarred me for life. But I forgive you, you don’t deserve it at all though and I hope what you did eats you alive every day. I hope you loose sleep at night, I hope you suffer even a small fraction of what I do. One day I’ll be able to see those scars you created as beauty marks, but its hard. I hope I never ever lay eyes on you again. No one deserves what you put me through. No one.

Iridessa: god baby girl you are my world if only you knew. I love you so much it makes me cry randomly. I never understood why people used to say they’d take bullets for their kids but now I know. I’d die for you in a heart beat if I had to. You are absolutely beautiful and mommys gonna have to fight the boys off of you one day. I love watching you grow. Don’t worry about your father precious. I know it’ll be hard when you’re growing up and if you ever want to meet him I’m 100% supportive of that. I know what it’s like to be kept from your father and I’d never ever do that to you. I just am trying to protect you. I don’t want you to get hurt. One day maybe mommy will find someone that will love us both and treat you like their own. Someone that will be more than just a father but a daddy to you. Mimi is like that to mommy. She may not be my real mom, but she is the most amazing mommy ever. And that’s all that matters baby. Stay beautiful Iridessa Skye.

The Taylor family:
You took me in when I had nothing and I will forever thank you for that. One day I’ll find a way to repay you. But don’t think I’ve forgotten because I haven’t. You guys are truly inspirational.

My haters: I used to be worried about what people like you thought about me, but that 100% ends today. Instead of hurting over what you think I’m just going to use it to fuel my drive. Keep making me stronger, I beg you.

Prince Charming ;): you have shown me there are good guys out there. I’ve never felt so comfortable talking to a guy before and I hope it goes somewhere. We will see. But thank you for making me feel beautiful and special. You’re quite the special person yourself.

And last but far from least
Myself: yeah you had a baby, yeah you aren’t the itty bitty thing you used to be, but you’re still beautiful. Stretch marks and all. You’re imperfect and imperfection is beauty. You’re a great mom, and a strong person all over. You’ve made it through more than most and you’ve never given up so don’t give up now. You are sweet, loving, honest, and the list can go on. Don’t let people get to you. Yeah this may hurt but don’t let it stop you. Your life is going to pick up really soon. I promise. You may be loosing friends, but that’s life’s way of saying its time for a change. Time to get rid of those fake ass people that have been bringing you down. Smile, you’re beautiful.

I’m ready for change. Im ready to be me and be happy doing it.